The Leadership Trap of Triangle Conversations — and How to Build a Culture of Courageous Candour
The Holiday Ambush: When Feedback Takes a Detour
Recently, a business leader I’m coaching found himself in an awkward predicament. One of his senior team members had headed off on a well-earned holiday. While she was away, two of her direct reports approached him separately with negative feedback about her leadership and performance.
Here’s the kicker. Just weeks earlier, both employees had been given the opportunity to provide feedback through a staff survey. Neither had raised these concerns. Now, with their manager conveniently absent, the grievances were flowing.
My client was understandably conflicted. Should he pass the feedback on when she returned? Go fishing for similar complaints from other employees to validate the learnings? Encourage the two staff members to address their concerns directly? Or quietly file the feedback away?
In our session together I helped him identify two legitimate objectives: (1) raise the standard of courageous communication across his leadership team, while (2) remaining genuinely curious about potential underperformance.
And that’s where leadership gets interesting. Because the challenge wasn’t simply deciding whether the feedback was true. It was deciding how to pursue the truth without rewarding an unhealthy communication culture.
Three’s a Crowd. Especially in a Difficult Conversation.
Welcome to the world of triangle conversations. It’s when Person A has an issue with Person B but takes it to Person C instead. Rather than addressing the person who can actually resolve the issue, they recruit a third party.
It feels safer. Less confronting. Sometimes even productive. But left unchecked, it can become cultural poison. The problem isn’t that people are talking. It’s that they’re talking to the wrong people.
Having founded Back In Motion and led hundreds of professionals across Australia and New Zealand, I’ve encountered my fair share of interpersonal friction. In Outside-In Upside-Down Leadership, I reflected on growing tensions between our Corporate Services and Operations teams, where healthy debate had deteriorated into damaging division. It reinforced a conviction I’ve carried into my subsequent business and board roles: “Respect without candour creates artificial harmony. Candour without respect creates casualties.”
Don’t Shoot the Messenger. But Don’t Become One Either.
Back to my coaching client. My advice wasn’t to dismiss the concerns or immediately relay them to the absent manager. Nor was it to launch a covert investigation, collecting grievances behind her back.
Instead, I encouraged him to separate two important questions:
1. Is there a genuine performance issue here?
2. Are we demonstrating the communication behaviours we expect of a healthy leadership team?
Both deserve attention. Neither should be sacrificed for the other.
I encouraged three questions of the staff providing the unsolicited feedback:
- “Have you raised this directly with your manager?”
- “What specific behaviours or incidents are concerning you?”
- “What prevented you from sharing this feedback in the recent survey?”
That last question isn’t an accusation. It’s an invitation to understand. Perhaps the employees lacked courage. Perhaps they didn’t trust the survey. Perhaps the issue had only recently emerged.
A wise leader remains curious rather than jumping to conclusions.
Psychological Safety Isn’t a Licence to Gossip
Harvard researcher Amy Edmondson’s landmark research on psychological safety demonstrated its importance in team learning. But psychological safety is frequently misunderstood. It doesn’t mean everyone feels comfortable all the time. Nor does it mean protecting people from uncomfortable truths. It means people can raise concerns, acknowledge mistakes, challenge assumptions and offer feedback without fear of humiliation or retaliation.
In my experience, the strongest cultures aren’t those where everyone agrees. They’re those where people can disagree vigorously and still respect one another afterwards.
A safe culture isn’t a silent culture. It’s a speaking-up culture. And there’s a critical distinction: we must make it safe to raise a concern while making it normal to address that concern responsibly.
The 24-Hour Courage Challenge
The practical discipline I like to recommend is when something happens that warrants feedback, challenge people to address it directly within 24 hours, where appropriate. Not through a colleague. Not via the office grapevine. Not in a carefully curated WhatsApp group. Directly.
For example: “Sarah, when you changed the roster without discussing it with me, it created problems for my team. Can we work through how we handle that next time?”
Notice what’s missing? No character assassination. No speculation about motives. No dramatic accusations. Just observable behaviour, its impact and a constructive request.
Research by Kluger and DeNisi reminds us that feedback doesn’t automatically improve performance. How it’s delivered matters. The goal isn’t to win an argument. It’s to improve a relationship, behaviour or outcome.
The 24-hour challenge is a great coaching prompt, not an inflexible deadline. Some conversations require preparation, support or formal intervention.
Upstream. Sideways. Downstream. Feedback Must Flow Everywhere.
In too many organisations, feedback flows in one direction: downwards. The boss evaluates the employee. End of story. That’s outdated leadership, as I explain in my leadership book.
Healthy organisations encourage three-way feedback:
- Upstream: Employees respectfully challenge their managers and leaders.
- Sideways: Peers give one another honest, timely feedback.
- Downstream: Leaders coach, recognise and correct their people.
In boardrooms, I’ve seen how damaging it can be when directors save their real concerns for conversations outside the meeting rather than raising them around the table. The same principle applies on the clinic floor, in the executive suite or around the family dinner table.
If we’re serious about helping people grow, feedback cannot be reserved for annual performance reviews. It must become an everyday act of service.
Five Ways to Kill the Triangle Without Killing Trust
Here are five practical habits I’d encourage every leadership team to adopt.
1. Apply the Empty Chair Test.
Before discussing an absent colleague, ask: “Would I be comfortable saying this if they were sitting here?” If not, reconsider your words or your audience.
2. Coach, Don’t Carry.
When someone brings a complaint, help them prepare for the direct conversation rather than volunteering to deliver the message yourself. Offer to facilitate if appropriate.
3. Separate Facts From Fiction.
Ask: “What did you observe? What are you assuming? What else might explain it?” Truth needs curiosity, not a courtroom verdict.
4. Make Feedback a Gift, Not a Grenade.
Encourage people to offer feedback because they want the other person to succeed, not because they want to unload frustration.
5. Model the Behaviour Publicly.
Invite criticism of your own decisions. Thank people who challenge you constructively. And when you get something wrong, own it.
Nothing builds trust faster than a leader demonstrating they’re not above the standards they expect of others.
One Important Exception: Don’t Confuse Courage With Exposure
Not every concern should be redirected to a face-to-face conversation. Bullying, harassment, discrimination, serious misconduct, power imbalances or fears of retaliation may require confidential reporting, HR involvement or independent investigation. Leaders must distinguish everyday interpersonal friction from concerns requiring protection or formal action.
Psychological safety means people have a safe pathway to the truth – not that they must confront every person who may have harmed them.
The Final Word: Be a Peacemaker, Not a Peacekeeper
As I outlined in another article blog below, peacekeepers avoid conflict to preserve appearances while peacemakers pursue truth to restore relationships.That’s a profound difference.
Great leadership isn’t about ensuring nobody gets offended. It’s about creating an environment where people care enough to speak honestly, listen humbly and grow together.
Don’t confuse an unhealthy feedback pathway with an unimportant message. Fix the pathway. Investigate the message. Grow the people. Because the conversations we avoid today often become the cultural problems we inherit tomorrow.
Lead with conviction. Speak with courage. And always leave room for grace.
Jason T Smith
Entrepreneur | Author | Leadership Mentor